Mark* came to Stand InBalance through our Veterans program. He had successfully been learning and practicing new skills to address his depression and PTSD, but was now worried about the prospect of going home and slipping back into his old ways.
To address these concerns, we engaged Mark in an exercise where he was asked to build the “home” he envisions for himself when he gets back. Mark grabbed a few items from our large toy box and placed them in the center of the arena: a single cone, which represented “caution” because he was cautious about his progress; 4 barrels placed in a square with a chair in the middle, which represented boundaries and his perimeter to keep out intruders; and a couple of tennis balls placed on top of two of the barrels, with the words “Guilt” and “Hope” written on them.
Mark was then asked to partner with an equine of his choosing and bring them into his home. He went towards our spotted pony and tried to connect the lead rope to her but she kept flattening her ears back, setting her boundaries. After a few tries, she consented to letting him clip on the lead line. Mark then proceeded to try to take her over to his home. After a couple of steps she dug in her hooves and would not budge. After multiple tries, with no movement from the pony, Mark disconnected the lead rope went to sit inside his “home” by himself.
We came over to Mark and asked how things were going for him and the pony. He replied. “She clearly didn’t want to move and I can respect that so I chose to come inside and wait to see if she’ll come to me.” When asked what was coming up for him in response to this, he answered. “Disappointment — which is why I try not to have too many expectations about the future. I’m used to being alone and I don’t really have anyone over.”
When we asked about the tennis ball with the word “Hope” on it, Mark explained that he knows hope is important to have in his life but that he doesn’t want to get his hopes up about his recovery. We asked Mark to rate on a Scale of 1-10 how hopeful he felt about his recovery right now, he replied “Right this moment, I’m at about a 3…. like I want to give up”. We then asked if he could take a few moments to consider things that he could be hopeful about for the future, any possibilities he could see.
Mark contemplated for a few moments and then began to list the things he hoped for: having a home where he felt safe; confidence in his recovery; and living a fulfilling life with friends and family. As Mark was speaking, the spotted pony perked up her ears and began meandering towards Mark’s “home”.
The pony sniffed around the border, investigating. Mark noticed that she wasn’t able to actually get all the way inside because of the barrels. He started to move the barrels apart to allow more space for her to move. As he was doing so, the pony went to one of the barrels with a tennis ball on it and knocked the ball to the ground. She continued to the next tennis ball and knocked that one off of its barrel, too. Mark just laughed and proceeded to move the rest of the barrels apart. After he was done, he reconnected his lead, to the pony and they both calmly walked into his “home” together!
As we processed this, Mark shared that when he found himself sitting in his “home” all alone, after the pony had rejected him, he was feeling disappointed, alone and wanted to give up. It also felt like “the usual stuff”, the way he has typically been and why he chose to get help in the first place. It wasn’t until he started thinking about the things he would like to bring into his future that he noticed how he had closed his space off in such a way that nothing could get in. Mark began to realize how this “home” he had built was more representative of his past and not what he is actually striving to achieve in his life for the present and the future. As soon as he started feeling hopeful about his future, the pony came over to his space. When she knocked the tennis balls with the words “Hope” and “Guilt” to the ground, Mark made the connection that it was hope that would see him through recovery and getting over his guilt from his past.
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