Horses don’t lie and pretend be something they’re not and they expect the same from us. Humans on the other hand are predisposed to behaviors like lying because of our survival instincts to “strategize the hunt”. This survival mode can lead us to follow our mind over heart, especially when it comes to our emotions and how they show up in our daily lives.
Casey* came into the arena and was immediately drawn to “The Big Guy”. However when he tried to touch him the horse set a pretty clear boundary of “nope, not yet.” As the horse continued to stand still with his head high we asked Casey how he looked to him. He replied “Large and in Charge”. “How is it for you being near ‘Large and in Charge’?” we asked. Casey responded “It feels fine, I’m calm…..I get it, he doesn’t know me.”
For the next 5 minutes, the two of them stood perfectly still staring at each other, like statues.
Then Casey tried to pet the horse again. This time the boundary the horse gave was even larger than before, showing up as pinned back ears, the swing of his tail and a big movement from his head. Casey’s response was equally as bold “That’s it, I’m out. He’s just not feeling it.” and Casey made a move away from the horse.
“Okay, well hang on, let’s get curious about what just happened.” We intervened. “What did you notice?”
Casey went on to say that since the horse wasn’t doing anything like running away from him that he figured he was fine to pet.
We explored more of Casey’s emotional and somatic awareness and then asked him how he was feeling in the moment that prompted him to pet the horse.
Casey reflected, “Well, I thought I was being calm enough but maybe I wasn’t…”
“Can you elaborate?”
“He’s a little intimidating I guess, but I wanted to show him that I wasn’t scared of him and that he could trust me.”
“How did you show him that?”
“By not backing down from connecting with him. Not giving up.”
“Interesting. What is it like for you to feel intimidated by something?” we asked.
Casey paused. “I’m not sure…maybe a little scary?”
“Ok. So, you didn’t want to back down, but you were also feeling a little scared & intimidated. Would it be fair to say that maybe the horse was picking up on some of that fear as you were trying to pet him?”
“Possibly.” Casey considered.
“It’s ok to be scared of him, he just needs you to be honest about it.”
Just then “The Big Guy” let out a huge breath, lowered his head and let out all of the tension he had been holding.
We asked Casey to take a look at the horse and see what he noticed about him now.
“He definitely looks more relaxed!” Casey marveled.
“And how are you feeling?”
“A lot calmer now that he looks calmer.”
“Would you like to try something?”
“Sure!”
“How would you feel about approaching him again, only this time tell him out loud how you’re feeling about meeting him as you’re doing it and see how he reacts.”
Casey approached the horse slowly and started speaking to him about how he was feeling. He told him that he wanted to connect but that he wasn’t sure how to do it and that his size made him feel a little intimidated. “The Big Guy” dropped his head down low towards Casey’s heart, offering his head to him, and gave a “lick and chew”, indicating that he was ready to trust Casey now.
Honesty is a key component to building trust in a relationship. Sometimes it’s easy to know what we’re feeling, but other times we need to dig a little deeper to get to the truth. Horses will always find the truth. Although Casey wanted to feel calm and was acting the way he thought he ‘should’ in order to gain the horse’s trust, his feelings about being intimidated by the horse were bringing up more fear in him than he first allowed himself to realize, and “the Big Guy” wanted no part of that. Casey needed to take a break, slow down his thinking and check in to get to his truth — and that led to trust!
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