Matthew* came to Stand InBalance because he’d been battling addiction through most of his young adult life and he had heard that equine therapy could be a good compliment to traditional talk therapy.
In his first session, Matthew connected with Maybelline (a donkey) and was brushing her when Bubba (another donkey) walked over and promptly nudged Matthew pretty hard. Maybelline swiftly and effectively swung her head around, flattened her ears and motioned for Bubba to go away. Bubba immediately moved away. Matthew went back to brushing Maybelline and then several minutes later Bubba came back again and pushed Matthew. This startled Matthew and he immediately walked away from the donkeys exclaiming “that’s it! I’m done.” He went over to the shade, sat down and put his head in his hands. We asked what happened and he replied “I wasn’t doing anything to him and he just came out of nowhere and pushed me”. When asked how he felt about it, Matthew emphatically replied “Pissed!”
We talked a bit more about what else Matthew noticed during his experience with the donkeys. He recounted that the donkey he had been brushing had seemed really peaceful and calm and he felt that they were enjoying being in that space together, but then “like the flip of a switch, he (Bubba) came over and ruined it.” As we discussed the interaction, Matthew realized that he’d felt caught off guard when the donkey pushed him. Matthew laughed and recognized that while the donkey had made him angry the experience itself was a lot like his own anger: “One minute I’m just chillin’ doing my own thing then someone will say or do something dumb and like the flip of a switch, I explode. I hate it when that happens.” Matthew went on to describe how he would then “get high, just to find some peace, escape and forget any of it happened”.
This realization opened up an opportunity for us to talk about anger and the important message it sends us, and how it can be used appropriately to discover that there underlying issues that need attention. Anger lets us know something is upsetting and needs to change; however, it is up to us to stay centered, recognize it and release it effectively rather than letting it push us and others around. We explored how Matthew’s anger was helping him realize a need for more assertiveness. He then recognized how he needed to focus on the action of being assertive with Bubba when necessary instead of exploding into anger.
After this chat, Matthew decided to go reconnect with Maybelline who was grazing nearby. As he was brushing Maybelline, he noticed Bubba starting to walk over again. This time Matthew walked forward and started to ask Bubba to back off. Bubba didn’t acknowledge him and looked determined to keep moving toward Matthew. Matthew looked over at us and shrugged as if to say “it’s not working”. We encouraged him to give it another try. Matthew jumped up and down, flailing his arms. Bubba didn’t even flinch. We asked Matthew – Did he really mean what he was saying? Was he expressing the way that he really felt? What was his anger at Bubba telling him? How did he really feel and what did he want to say? Matthew stopped for a moment to check in, then clearly and firmly told Bubba “STOP BEING A BULLY AND MOVE!” and off Bubba went!
As we talked about the experience, Matthew shared “I was bullied growing up and was told to just ignore it. When I was asking the donkey to move I was afraid I couldn’t do it. It made me feel angry inside to be so powerless. When I connected with the way Bubba was making me feel, it reminded me of school and I just wanted to tell those bullies to stop, move the ‘!$#&¡’ outta here! And so I just said how I really felt. That was awesome, it feels like I moved a mountain!”
Sometimes moving donkeys can feel like that. Our emotions can be hard to deal with and seem impossible to let go of. But if they’re ignored they can also push you over when you don’t expect it. If we acknowledge our feelings, and see them for what they really are with some clarity about it, then we can move them out of our way with intention rather than reaction.
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