Thomas* was having a really hard time getting our “golden boy”, through the obstacle course set up for him. He was working on being able to overcome some identified challenges and meet his goal of “confidence” in his new management position.
After some time struggling at a particular obstacle (labeled uncertainty) in the course, Thomas looked to us with exasperation. He exclaimed that the horse was being “stubborn” and that he just didn’t want to move. We noticed that rather than looking where he wanted to go, Thomas was pulling on and sternly looking at his horse, totally focused on what the horse was doing, or rather, NOT doing. We asked Thomas to check in with where his focus was. He began to reply “the cones…..but actually now I can see I was just looking at the horse, not the cones…”
“What are you noticing about yourself right now? What are you aware of feeling in your body or emotionally?” we inquired.
Thomas took a deep breath and said “I’m frustrated. I thought we had a good connection but now there’s nothing I can do to make him move. I have no choice in the matter, he seems to have made his mind up.”
“Hmmm, you have no choice?” we asked.
“Well, I can’t change him.” Thomas replied
“So, you can’t change him…… and …?” we offered.
I’m gonna try again, Thomas stated. He continued focusing on the things he’d already tried and continued to get frustrated.
It was clear that he and his horse were holding a lot of tension. We suggested taking a deep breath and implementing a version of S.T.O.P. skills: Stop, Take a deep breath, Observe him, yourself, your focus and your surroundings, and then Proceed mindfully.
Thomas began to visibly relax. The horse took a deep breath and sighed, visibly releasing. We asked Thomas to check in and notice if anything had shifted inside of him.
“I am calming down…a little less tense” ….then a lightbulb went off for him “Ohhhhhhh…..I guess I need a shift.” he answered.
We asked him if there was anything he noticed about their relationship.
Thomas responded “I’ve been so focused on him and what he’s doing. Like when you asked about my focus, I didn’t even notice that I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing at all…and I was just trying to make it happen. Maybe there’s something that I can do differently. Maybe that will change his mind about going with me.”
Thomas took a moment to think, then he looked at the cones and spoke to the horse “This is where I’d like to go. Over to those cones over there. Would you like to come with me? I am going to just keep looking over there and let you make up your mind. No pressure….” Thomas took a little step towards the cones, the horse took a little step, too. Thomas took another breath, so did the horse. “Ok! I’m going to keep on walking this way, I hope that you’ll come with me.” Thomas walked to the cones, his horse followed.
We connected back up with Thomas after he made it to his goal. As he pet the horse’s golden mane, he shared “It was like I had tunnel vision at first. It felt like there was nothing I could do because I was just totally focused on trying to make it happen and what he was doing. Then, I realized I needed to breathe …..there were so many things I hadn’t even considered trying. So, I just went with the first thing that came to mind, and that worked! I had a lot of ideas when I actually began thinking about it. I guess I did have some choices after all!”
*all names and identifying information have been changed.
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