What is Confidence?
For many people, their level of confidence shifts depending on what’s going on around them. In certain conditions there is a feeling of confidence but in others they feel discomfort – shyness, self-judgment, fear, unworthiness, or uselessness. This type of confidence is what we call “External Confidence” or “Situational Confidence” – it does or doesn’t exist depending on influences from the outside world – the general circumstances of our lives and circumstances in each individual moment.
In contrast, CORE CONFIDENCE comes from within and is not reliant upon outside sources.
When we are confident from our core, we are not paralyzed in the face of new, uncomfortable, or unusual circumstances, and we don’t base our actions on our fears of what others will think. Regardless of the situation, we know that we have something to offer, that we are worthy, and that we have been and are able to be successful.
CORE CONFIDENCE is something that we can build. It takes practice and effort, but unlike situational confidence we can carry it with us wherever we go. The source of our confidence is our own willingness to work towards having and connecting with it.
Horses are wonderful teachers of Core Confidence. When one horse asks another horse to move – they don’t hesitate and they don’t worry that the other horse isn’t going to like them. They are clear in their intention and communication and the other horse responds in kind. Similarly, when we connect with our core energy and are able to line up our inner belief with our focus and intention we are more effective and we generate more respect.
HOW do we build CORE CONFIDENCE? Read on for 7 simple tips!
#1 – Don’t Compare Yourself to Others. If you are constantly undermining yourself because other people seem to have more of something than you, or you think they are “better” or “more successful” than you because of who they are or what they possess, then you are identifying with EXTERNAL confidence. We all come from different walks of life. Each and every person is born unique and has had their own individual experiences throughout their journey thus far. No one shares the same exact story and we are not meant to. There’s no sense trying to compare apples to oranges. There is no better or lesser, only different.
If you are going to compare, compare you to your former you.
#2 – Trust Yourself. No matter how many times you’ve had your heart broken, no matter how many times you’ve cried into a pillow at night and no matter how many times you’ve been in situations that you really hate, you’ve made it. You’ve made it through every single challenge that life has thrown at you and you are still here today, looking at ways in which you can improve yourself! That, in its own right, should be enough to give you a strong level of belief in your own strength. It doesn’t matter how gracefully you did it, all that matters is that you did it. It might not be pretty but it doesn’t have to be. And if you don’t believe in yourself (yet) and you don’t trust yourself (yet), give it a try. Set one small goal and stick to it. For instance, you might decide you are going to take a walk that day or make that call you have been putting off. Just do it …one step at a time. You’ll gain a sense of pride and confidence in yourself. And, the more you do it, the easier it becomes to do in tricky situations.
#3 – Live in the Moment. When we live in the moment we are only concerned with what is presented to us right then and there. There is no room for worry or self-judgment, only action. When we are in action we are confident – we have made a choice and are acting on it, this is what confidence is – the ability to take action. As soon as we slip into worry or judgment we’re no longer living in the moment. Worry comes from a fear of what might happen not what is actually happening now. Judgment often comes from reliving an idea or circumstance (past) and making a commentary on it or comparing our past actions to those of someone else. If you find yourself worrying or judging yourself, shift gears. Do YOUR best, in the moment with what you have – that’s all we can do. Stay present and focus on what’s here, what do you have to offer? Use it.
#4 – Learning from the past. Shame and negative self-talk are the enemy of confidence. When we are demoralized, we cannot access confidence. We all do things that we wish we’d done differently. But when we get caught in self-judgment and relive situations it amplifies negative thinking and creates negative and/or anxious feelings.
Continuing to replay an incident means there is something we need to accept in order to move on. Maybe you need to accept that you are human and fallible or perhaps the lesson is about standing up for yourself — connecting with confidence so that next time you can say or do the things that will make you feel good about yourself. When you find yourself obsessing about a past incident:
- STOP the instant replay.
- Pick one small lesson from that experience….just one thing that you will do differently next time.
- Thank yourself for the lesson and breathe in self-compassion, giving yourself the courage to do that one thing differently next time.
Repeat as needed.
It takes practice, but the more you do it, the easier it will be and before you know it…you’ll be feeling more and more confident inside!
#5 – Open to Possibility. If you have already decided who you are based on who you may have been in the past, then you have shut down your possibilities. But if you let that go and allow yourself to be who you are in the moment – you have the possibility to be anything. Don’t judge yourself based on your past, and don’t hope for liberation in the future. Right now, be here. You are capable of anything at any moment. You are capable of change. But only if you are not defined by your past or bound to the future.
#6 – Practice, Discipline & Follow Through. Core confidence cannot be achieved overnight (although once you break into it, it does feel instantaneous), it takes work and practice for CORE CONFIDENCE to become your default. So, until then, draw upon your memory of what it feels like when you are in a situation and you have confidence. How do you act? How do you carry yourself? Pay attention to the way you stand, walk, speak & listen. When you find yourself in a situation where you feel th
at you lack confidence, remember how you feel when you are confident & know that confidence is possible for you.
Remember to set small goals and stick to them. It takes time and discipline, but the more we follow through on things the more pride we feel in our abilities and the more confidence we build.
When you remind yourself of your strengths in other situations it is easier to carry that strength over into new situations and gradually into ALL situations. Although it may start feeling like you’re applying your “confident attitude” from the outside in, gradually, if you keep at it, and work on the inside as well, the two will come together and you’ll develop stronger confidence at your core.
#7 – Have a Higher Purpose. A lot of external confidence is built around completing a goal. For example, the woman who wants to lose weight and get the spouse of her dreams, or the maintenance employee who longs to become CEO and live in wealth and power. These types of external goals are often set with the hope that achieving the goal will be the key to finally finding happiness, joy and confidence. Unfortunately, such happiness or confidence can’t really be achieved by accomplishing the goal alone, or if it is, it may not be lasting.
When setting a goal, shift your focus to the journey. Pay attention to why you’re working towards your goal & how you’re doing it. What do you really want from achieving the goal? Why did you choose the goal that you did? What is your purpose? What desired qualities do you hope to achieve that lie beneath & beyond the tangible goal?
Keep your focus on your greater purpose – why you have the goal you do? Who you want to be & how you want to be? As mentioned before, confidence exists in the here and now, and the core confidence you have when you connect with this purpose cannot ever be taken away.
If your feeling stuck, just think – what would the Lead Mare or Stallion do?
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