It’s bound to happen to the best of us, we don’t always see eye to eye with the people we work with. Sometimes, it’s fairly easy to find a way to move forward, but other times things can get touchy and you may find yourself a loss for what to say or how to better the situation. Maybe it’s a sensitive co-worker we’re worried about offending, or perhaps we don’t quite know how to approach our boss without coming off as subordinate. Whatever the situation, studies show that if the issue is causing you emotional distress or even mild discontent, ignoring those feelings or pretending there’s nothing wrong could cause even more harm than good. Our negative emotions, even when not expressed verbally, can be picked up subconsciously by others, even by co-workers with whom we aren’t working with directly. So, whether you mean for them to or not, others can pick up on your disapproving signals and be affected by them.
So, how do we communicate the bad stuff in a way that will help more than hurt?
Follow these steps to a more harmonious exchange:
#1 – Set a positive intention for collaboration. Before the conversation starts, ask yourself how you would really like your relationship to be with this person. Remember that underneath any unpleasant feelings you may have towards them, your main goal is to have a positive working relationship.
#2 – Ask permission to speak. Start off on the right foot and be certain that you aren’t approaching your target at a bad time. Respecting and considering their current state displays your collaborative intent and will only help them to do the same for you.
#3 – Communicate the unbiased facts of the situation. These are the events stripped of any interpretation, emotion or personal story. Explain what happened factually, leaving out any judgments about the facts. If it’s too hard to separate yourself, a good practice is to run your “facts” by someone you trust to be impartial, outside or not affected by the situation, to be sure your “facts” are indeed unbiased.
#4 – Explain how these facts made you feel. Your feelings are your own to have, sharing them can help others understand your position. Avoid language that blames or judges the other and focus on your underlying feelings. Often when we are angry or annoyed, there is a less aggressive emotion underlying it. Search for those deep emotions & express them as honestly as possible.
#5 – Share why this issue matters to you. Keep this simple. Why do you care? Likely it’s because your job matters to you, you want to get along, or some other agreeable reason. Let them know.
#6 – Ask for their input. Good communication is not only about clarity of intent but about active LISTENING. It is extremely important that we truly understand where the other is coming from and what they mean in order to dispel the assumptions & judgments that result from poor communication and lead to problems.
#7 – Solve the issue together. Deciding together how to improve the situation reinforces your intention for teamwork and collaboration. Use this situation as a chance to form a stronger working relationship together, right now.
If you still find things aren’t constructively getting resolved, it may be time to consult with someone who can help. Tools such as the Strengths Deployment Inventory can help people navigate differences and engage in healthy conflict by increasing their understanding of the motives and values that drive their own and others behavior, which in turn increases compassion.